Am I a People Pleaser?

What the pattern can look like

These are ordinary moments. None of them means much on its own. People with this pattern often describe moments like these:

• Saying yes to things they wanted to say no to, and noticing only later.
• Finding it hard to say no, even when they want to.
• Thinking a lot about what other people need from them.
• Keeping track of how everyone feels, and how to make them comfortable.
• Going blank when someone asks what they want.
• Acting a little differently with each group they are in.
• Feeling resentment build quietly after agreeing.

Kind, or people pleasing?

Kindness and this pattern can look alike. Both mean helping and making things easy for others.

One difference is choice. People with this pattern often find no hard to say, even when they want to.

Another difference shows up later. For people with this pattern, resentment can build quietly after they agree.

Why it is hard to see in yourself

People with this pattern often do not notice it in the moment. Many only see it after they have already agreed. Some are not sure which version of themselves is the real one.

Where it comes from

This page does not say where the pattern comes from. A list of signs cannot tell you that. Neither can a short test.

What the Blind Spot Test can show

The Blind Spot Test is ten short statements. You rate each one from “Not me” to “That’s me.” It takes about a minute.

Your answers are scored across five patterns, and people pleasing is one of them. The others are the Deflector, the Intellectualizer, the Overachiever and the Controller. Two of the ten statements are about people pleasing.

The result shows which pattern your answers lean toward most. It also says how clear that lean is. It may be clearly ahead of the others, or close with one other pattern. If two come out even, it says your answers did not point at one pattern.

What it cannot show

It cannot tell you that you are a people pleaser. Ten statements cannot measure a whole person, and two statements cannot measure one habit. It is not a diagnosis. It cannot tell you where a pattern came from. It only reads what you answer on the day you take it.

It gives you a starting point. You can check what it names against your own life.

What Epictetus said about pleasing others

Epictetus was a Stoic teacher, born into slavery around 50 to 60 AD. No writing of his own survives. His student Arrian wrote down his teaching. One line reads:

“If you ever happen to turn your attention to externals, for the pleasure of anyone, be assured that you have ruined your scheme of life.”
Epictetus, Enchiridion 23, translated by Thomas W. Higginson (1865)

By “externals” he meant things outside our own choices. In another passage he lists reputation among them. Reputation is what other people think of us.

His point was blunt. Shape your life to please people, and your plan for living belongs to them.

He did not say to stop caring about people. He taught a great deal about what we owe our families and neighbors. His point was narrower: other people’s approval cannot be what you steer by.

One thing to try this week

Notice the moment just before you say yes. You do not have to change your answer. Only notice whether you wanted to say it.

Sources

• Epictetus, Enchiridion 1, 23 and 30, translated by Thomas W. Higginson (1865), Project Gutenberg #45109.
• Biographical notes on Epictetus and Arrian: Albert Salomon’s introduction to the same edition (Liberal Arts Press, 1948).
• The pattern description and test statements: the Blind Spot Test, Know Your Ethos.